Counter Destroyer

OH DEAR GOD NO! THERE IS MORE! Over the years on Slamreport.com I have talked about my favourite bad movie of all time, ROBO VAMPIRE. Maaaybe I will repost my review on that some day. But if you have been reading my shit before you know how painful, how ridiculous, how terrible and just how freakin awesome that movie is. You will also know a few years ago I found there was a sequel to his bargin bin piece of shit. Devils Dynamite is a super hero movie also made by the infamous Godfrey Ho. Sequel unfinished movies edited together and new footage added to make it appear complete. Well he did it a third freakin time. The hopping vampire cult from the previous two movies are at it again as they wage war against a group of ninjas. A specific white ninja reminisent to the Super hero from Devils Dynamite is the main hero but before this travisty of a movie is done the robocop rip off cyborg from RoboVampire comes in to kick some ass too. Like somewhere they said this character and his Rock and Roll nightmare walking is too good not to bring back.

Well fuck this I am not telling you anymore about this movie other than to say its, badly dubbed with ninjas, mobsters, wizards, vampires, acid peeing zombie vampire babies and Robocop. I say fuck, watch all three back to back and tear your eyeballs from their sockets from the painful sparkler and fire work special. Effects so special they were delivered in a short bus!

The Impossible Kid

WENG WENG HE'S OUR HERO. HE's GONNA DOWN TALL DUDES TO ZERO!!!
Weng Weng the midget (very small) james bond from the cult classic For Your Height Only is back. Impossible Kid is one of the amazing sequels of Weng Weng Agent 00 the 3 foot tall interpol agent and martial arts master. In this flick he is protecting the Phillipino financial council from a terrorist that's been knocking them off one by one. This terrorist group run by a dude in a white hood with a corba on it making every think Cobra Commander is a member of the KKK. What makes this movie stand out is that it's done even more straight then his previous flicks and packs an action wallop with kung fu fight scenes and vehicle stunts. If you replaced Weng Weng with Jackie Chan this film would totally be the missing 80s movie from the Police Story franchise.

Weng Weng takes no shit when he is attacked at his own dojo in a scene filled with more midget round house kicks then you can count. Chuck Norris would be proud of the little bugger. Weng Weng is amazing even if he is a little bit of a hypocrite. A scene where Weng Weng macks one of the many women that fall in love with him, he says he never drinks alcohol. This scene first impressed me cause it's like the 5th woman in the movie to flirt with him, but then I remember poor little Weng Weng died of alcohol poisoning in real life in the late 80s. Oh well he was amazing while he lasted. Even if it was a short stay.

DRIVE THRU

The ultimate killing Juggalo movie. The basis of this movie is a demonic ronald mcdonald kills wiggers. A mascot clown from the "Hella Burger" joints is now armed with an insane looking as a speaker for a mouth and a book of cuss words. Horny the clown is hunting down the children of his enemies and luckily for us these children are all easy to hate burn out low lives. The audience will have no problem enjoying every single death in this movie because the sleaze bag victims are all as I already said "easy to hate". My favourite quotes of the line "Does the pope shit in the woods, nigga?" and "Nah 5-0 just rolled in this shit is deader than Nixon".



There have been so many Clown killers and Horny the Clown is the best next to the Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Lots of comedic gore and swear words galore. Great cameo by Morgan Spurlock as the Hella Burger manager.
4 beers, 1 bottle of Fago and this movie is a laugh. But get ready for the 2010 sequel .

Leprechaun

Let's pretend in the past that I didn't already do reviews of leprechaun 4 leprechaun in space and leprechaun in the hood with Ice T as well as the sequel to the sequel leprechaun back 2 the hood. Let's just pretend I didn't. This is the original leprechaun movie. Wicked/Willow Warwick Davis is killing and bustin out the puns. In a brash run of pun spinning magical monster horrors after Freddy Kruger, Warlock and Wishmaster came the leprechaun. It's really a classic B flick. All the fundamentals are there. City family go to the country side and get invaded by a monster in their country home. One by one people are getting killed and no one believes it but it really an angry ugly leprechaun after his pot of gold. Since the leprechaun let's you know what he is every chance he get's you would think they would be clear on this. This film actual screams shades of Critters, Gremlins and Tremors with it's loads of great B movie logic and pointless gore as well as loveable stupid characters.


This flick is a true 80s early 90s perfect B flick cause it's unknown star at the time is now a super star. Jennifer Aniston lookin hot and acting like the snobby city girl turned tough country chick is perfect in this. Most re releases of the DVD have her face on it now that she is a super tabloid star. But the real star is Warwick Davis in all his Skinned Deep gorey glory.
Really what happened that night when writers sat around and said "Ok the next horror franchise is gonna be about a killer leprechaun" oh oh oh and we can make a horror movie where a kid gets to say "Fuck you Lucky Charms".



Drinking game note... every time anyone says leprechaun .. do a shot... of something green.

GRUNT

Grunt THE WRESTLING MOVIE.

Great sub title "The Wrestling movie". Guess they figure no one else would ever do a movie about wrestling. HHmmm . Grunt is the Spinal Tap of Wrestling. As if Wrestling wasn't the Spinal Tap of sports already. I love wrestling and you all know it. Grunt however, it's even more of a required taste. It's a MOCKumentary about a wrestler that's gone into hiding right when he was at the top of his game. After a terrible in ring accident involving a be heading his opponent while caught in the ropes, wrestling superstar MAD DOG has gone into hiding. Many think Mad Dog is dead but the director of this documentary is determined to prove that new up and comer THE MASK is actually Mad Dog in disguise. Cameos from long forgotten southern super old school stars like Dick Murdoch and Dan Spivey. Some wild yet looooong women's wrestling matches added in with very unattractive women and a final Battle Royale that reminds me of the end of Nacho Libre. After seeing The Wrestler this movie will seem like an insult to fans but for fans of cheesie ass B movies this is wacko story telling with bad bad BAD acting at it's finest. It feels like the Stunt Rock of Wrestling, what's Stunt Rock? Yeesh that's a whole other story.



The weirdest thing is this film makes it seem like some people thought wrestling was real and that they were being witty. Am I just too into wrestling to find this funny? Wow I am a dork! Vince Mcmahon would be proud. Sadly not enough Luchadores in this movie though.

Drinking game, chug your beer everytime some one says a wrestling move or talks about the "good old days".

NIGHT BEAST

NIGHT BEAST

PLOT: Before the predator there was another well around ugly son of a bitch from space, it was The Night Beast. Every time I think of the name or see this movies amazing lazor type font I have to since it in a 80s rock anthem sound. Thinking Nighttrain by Guns and Roses mainly of course. The Night Beast crashes into earth in his handi vac looking space ship in of course a small hick town run by its naive sheriff who looks like a cross between Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy and John Holmes. The Night Beast comes from the epic white light of his crash site, wearing a shiny silver space man costume and wacky beyond wacky narley teeth and lizard buggy eyes. Snarly and drooling but still looking fabulous in his silver jump suit. The night beast straight out of a Funkedelic stage show starts blasting bewildered campers with his lazor gun.




Everyone shot by the blasts shines is pyschodelic lazor floyd lights then disappears into nothing. When the night beats vaporizes two kids in a car it totally awesome. There is some sub plot with a extremely awkward sex scene with the pasty asses sheriff and is partner. Also a local dork tries to be a hero as some drunk biker has been laying the beats on some hooker with a terrible tan line. Suffice to say they all end up lazor dust to the night beast a long with a few people the beat decide to tear apart with his bare claws. In two separate scenes they try to take the alien out in moments obviously inspired from the original Thing. The TERRIBLE yet AMAZING stilted characters and their terrible acting makes this film so much fun. My favourites are of course the pasty asses sheriff and the doctor with his plan to electrocute the beast which he takes forever to do and the beast just stands there and lets him do it. Basically in short a bunch of really dumb yokals and a group of wanna be playboys get attacked by the predator dressed like a member of P funk and they all die faaabulously. Troma has rereleased a documentary on this film and as a sweet bonus you get the whole film free with it. A real fun alien schlock a rama.



The worlds best check list



Cheesie space ship CHECK



pool parties CHECK



Awesome om nom nom nom face alien CHECK



Lazors Lazors Lazors CHECK CHECK CHECK



Arm chopped off with a whiskey bottle in hand CHECK



TITS CHECK



Really awkard sex scene CHECK



Women with super hearing CHECK



Disappearing cars CHECK

Werewolf in a womans prison

A WEREWOLF IN A WOMENS PRISON

In the vain of American Werewolf in London meets Debbie Does Dallas. Spoofing the most cliché images of 70's grindhouse flicks is A Werewolf in a Women's Prison from Girl meets boy , boys says lets go camping in mean south american back wood country. Sounds like fun. Boy and Girl go camping and get attacked by a werewolf. Boy dies girl goes to jail for murder of her husband but she was bitten by the werewolf. This is a south american woman's prison so of course the woman are treated like whores and sold to the highest bitter. The prison is managed by a leather clad Baroness/ Ilsa character that likes to have her ways with the prisoners as well. This movie is a homage to the classic 70s grindhouse movies like Caged Heat and the Big Doll House. But with the ghost of the husband telling our heroin to kill her self because she will become a werewolf and kill everyone if she didn't. That's the only American Werewolf reference. The film gets wacky as the main girl and her cell mate are being punished for fighting. They get chained to rocks in the desert with their clothes off.





They decide the only way not to die of dehydration is to lick the sweat off each others naked body. Hot ! But also freakin' hilariously retarded. Then finally she changes and this changes the movie to awesome. She tears right out of her skin leaving a nasty husk behind and becomes this ridiculously huge hairy rampaging werewolf with the funniest red glowing eyes. The eyes are so funny looking, as they are obviously plugged in Christmas lights in the eyes of the mask and with this the guy in the suit can't see where the hell he is going. The acting in this movie is terrrriiiibbbllle but the movie knows it and they all ham it up and look like they were having a blast with this. This is totally a great drunk fest to watch. The blood is crazy and boobies are bouncing and some of the dumbest dialogue is flowing like verbal diarehea.

AND NOW THE BEER METER.
Not a scale but a time line! How to sum up a movie through consistent drinking (Trust me for my movie choices it helps)

1 Beers : “What's wrong with that girls face? Oh I see you can kill a werewolf by pouring Vodka with silver in it, but first you gotta set him on fire”
2 Beers : “Oh Chained Heat I love your lesbian overtones, oh wow that's more then an overtone”
3 Beers: “Tre Drole, what a terrible American Werewolf joke”
4 Beers: “Oh my god Ripped that Bitch in Half”
5 Beers: “ Do her while she's a Monster!”
6 Beers: “Well that sucked but I do want to find this prison someday”