Werewolf in a womans prison

A WEREWOLF IN A WOMENS PRISON

In the vain of American Werewolf in London meets Debbie Does Dallas. Spoofing the most cliché images of 70's grindhouse flicks is A Werewolf in a Women's Prison from Girl meets boy , boys says lets go camping in mean south american back wood country. Sounds like fun. Boy and Girl go camping and get attacked by a werewolf. Boy dies girl goes to jail for murder of her husband but she was bitten by the werewolf. This is a south american woman's prison so of course the woman are treated like whores and sold to the highest bitter. The prison is managed by a leather clad Baroness/ Ilsa character that likes to have her ways with the prisoners as well. This movie is a homage to the classic 70s grindhouse movies like Caged Heat and the Big Doll House. But with the ghost of the husband telling our heroin to kill her self because she will become a werewolf and kill everyone if she didn't. That's the only American Werewolf reference. The film gets wacky as the main girl and her cell mate are being punished for fighting. They get chained to rocks in the desert with their clothes off.





They decide the only way not to die of dehydration is to lick the sweat off each others naked body. Hot ! But also freakin' hilariously retarded. Then finally she changes and this changes the movie to awesome. She tears right out of her skin leaving a nasty husk behind and becomes this ridiculously huge hairy rampaging werewolf with the funniest red glowing eyes. The eyes are so funny looking, as they are obviously plugged in Christmas lights in the eyes of the mask and with this the guy in the suit can't see where the hell he is going. The acting in this movie is terrrriiiibbbllle but the movie knows it and they all ham it up and look like they were having a blast with this. This is totally a great drunk fest to watch. The blood is crazy and boobies are bouncing and some of the dumbest dialogue is flowing like verbal diarehea.

AND NOW THE BEER METER.
Not a scale but a time line! How to sum up a movie through consistent drinking (Trust me for my movie choices it helps)

1 Beers : “What's wrong with that girls face? Oh I see you can kill a werewolf by pouring Vodka with silver in it, but first you gotta set him on fire”
2 Beers : “Oh Chained Heat I love your lesbian overtones, oh wow that's more then an overtone”
3 Beers: “Tre Drole, what a terrible American Werewolf joke”
4 Beers: “Oh my god Ripped that Bitch in Half”
5 Beers: “ Do her while she's a Monster!”
6 Beers: “Well that sucked but I do want to find this prison someday”

Dark Floors : The Lordi movie

Released in the same week as 7 other movies from Ghost House Underground (owned by Sam Raimi) comes DARK FLOORS "The Lordi movie". Lordi is a band from Finland that is a costume metal band. Imagine a cross between Gwar and Kiss and Iron Maiden. They take there monster make up show very seriously and thus made a serious movie where they play the monsters in the movie. They tastefully step back from the camera and let (sorta) real actors play the main characters and drive the plot. The Lordi band mates simply play unnamed demons rampaging the haunted hospital. Five people entered an elevator in a normal looking hospital. When the elevator doors open they fine the hospital has gone quiet, dead quiet. They are now trapped inside with ghostly images and sounds filling the air as well as 5 nasty demons rampaging through the hallways. Interesting that unlike movies made by Gwar and ICP which simply just advertise the bands, this movie doesn't do that. Infact if you didn't already know these monsters where characters in a band you wouldn't figure that out from the movie. Expect for the extra features on the dvd which make that very clear, music videos and live performances all over this disc, which is cool if your a fan, which yes I am. But it's really strange that only one Lordi song appears in the actual movie.



Visually really good, but the acting is real bad, the lordi monsters are the best actors and they don't even talk. Plot makes no sense at all, Spoiler, it's one of those was it or was it not all a dream endings, well maybe... at least i think it was, i mean seriously it made no sense. It explained nothing. Also the pacing was bad, huge monster attacks with no work up or no gut crunching kill points. The basic plot is a haunted hospital and a bunch of mix match people running from demons. Demons that look great and taken seriously could be awesome, but poor directing makes it fall flat. I mean Mister Lordi (yes that's the singers name) looks so freakin' cool, but he doesn't do shit. You could tell visually the director was going for a Silent Hill rip off. Silent Hill reknowned as the only horror video game to be made into a decent movie. This could have been great but sadly it wasn't. Slow and quiet does not fit a movie inspired by a monster costumed metal band.



Members of Lordi : 5



Other actors in the movie : 6



Boobs: 0



Kills : 5



A Lordi music video way better than their movie

Gingerdead man 2 : Passion of the Crust

Plot: Ok a few years back an obviously drunk Gary Beusy starred in a cheap rip off of Child's Play in fact even a rip off of Jack Frost, no not the Michael Keaton movie, but strangely was the most entertaining movie Full Moon pictures had put out in years, trusts me they have made alot of terrible films. The story is your basic twisted fairy tale of a serial killer that died and by the hands of his witch mother had his soul placed into that of a ginger bread man. Now this ginger bread man is out for revenge and is hacking and slashing armed with an endless supply of bakery based puns to spew out after ever kill. Well like all thinks that are crap a sequel has been thrust upon us. An overworked film crew all with their own need for therapy are working late at the Cheatum studios, which is a walking metaphor for Full Moon films the company responsible in real life. The Cheatum crew are in the midst of butchering another Tiny Terror movie, which makes reference to the terrible sequels of Puppet Masters of Demonic Toys and the sort. As the crew bumble around the freshly "RE"baked Gingerdead man has snuck his way into the studio. The Gingerdead man is sneaking around knocking off the most cliché of horror movie victims in hope to work an evil spell of transmogrification. The sub plot or infact more the main plot is a dieing boy who's last wish is to visit Cheatum studios. This boy ends up, very obviously, being a ruse and actually wants to destroy the studio. The confrontation between the studio head and the boy is hilarious for anyone who grew up on Full Moon movies because it's honestly trying to excuse Full Moon's awful films and not very subtly. Action packed ending with many evil puppets and a very unnecessary Passion of the Christ reference. The only real reason to see this is if you grew up on Full Moon movies like me and laugh unintentionally at all the self references and lame attempts to justify them selves. Also the Ginger dead man, you saw him before better when he was called Chucky or even Jack Frost but his puns are that of the type so bad it;s good.


Gingerbread man sized chainsaws : 1



Evil Puppets called Shit for Brains : 1



Boobs: No nudity but yikes this one old has been scream queen has some very dangerous HUGE boobs.



Actual midgets : 1



Kills: 7

Jack Frost

My favourite movie to watch before X mas, right next to Silent Night Deadly Night, Two Front Teeth and Santa Slays with Goldberg. Jack Frost is no nice guy, not to be mistaken with the Michael Keaton movie. A murder is on his way to death row when he has an accident in the snow with experimental chemicals during him into a killer snowman. Amazing puns, action and fun comes into play as he attacks a sleep town with a do good sherrif ready to stop him. Wicked puppet effects, great jokes and a fun troma style bizarreness mixed with great 80s style wit and pacing like Critters and so many more come to mind. I loved it. You will never forget Jacks attack on Shannon Elizabeth in the shower, which will make you ask... where did his carrot nose go??



You only need 1 beer to enjoy this cause it's so much fun, but I say have more anyways.
You need alot more beer to enjoy the sequel cause even with the same cast it sucks soooo bad.

DEVILS DYNAMITE

Fuck you there is a sequel to Robovampire the worst movie ever??? My friend Peter once said watching Robovampire made him lose hope in man kind. Robovampire was a robocop rip off with Vampires made out of three unfinished movies edited together with the worst special effects ever. Now The Devils Dynamite is here, the vampires are back hopping the way asian Vampire hop, this time they have sunk there teeth into Ninjas. The soilder from the first movie that became the RobotVampire Hunter is long gone but now a secret asian has been given a magical power to transform into a cyborg Vampire fighter by choice and change back by choice. Yeah I guess the Robocop hype was gone so now he is a super hero but still walks and looks like robocop in tin foil.


There is classic hong kong style table jumping stunts and the amazing clown face hoping vampires we have come to love. Also again made out of multiple movies that were never finished edited together to make one flick, the second flick was some kind of a yakuza movie added in as a secondary side story. Better polished then Robovampire but still a bad movie yet sadly not soooo bad that it's amazing. But if you want goofy goofy 70s style kung fu with a little sci fi added in, well then you want some weird ass shit, but I have it for you here.

You need 4 beers to enjoy this

Girl Rebel Force of Competetive Swimmers

Seeing this in a china town boot leggers shelf was quit a bit of confusion. Many fans of the genre dislike this movie cause they expect it to have the quality and originality of Machine Girl or Tokyo Gore Police. But this is more like a Misty Mundae faux porn, it the movie where I realised that Japanese girls squeak alot during sex. I enjoy this, maybe for the squeaking. The zombie blood lust is hilarious and tastefully sparce but the evil mad scientist flute rapist side story is just, i dunno maybe shall we say, weird.



You say "Flute Rapist" I answer shut up and watch it I dare you. It's a girl who just wants to be a regular school girl like Sailor Moon but knows her destiny is to slay Zombies. She has to deal with teachers who have change into zombies, oh and to be a lesbian. Exploitive and mindless and worth a wank.


You need 5 beers to enjoy this fully